The Waiting

If there is one thing I am not good at, it is waiting.  Why does it take so long.  Why is it that everything worth doing is hard and takes a long time.  I have been up and down on this journey to get to India so many times, it has left me excited and wrung out. Some days I am so brittle in my soul that I cry at the thought of those beautiful faces in the home. Some days I feel the oppression of the sadness that I am about to face.  Some days I feel lost in this new world of uncertainty that we have been lead into. And some days my heart bubbles up inside me and overflows with Joy at the mear mention of this all coming together.  I just cant believe that what I have dreamed of my whole life (going to India) has now become a reality.  And yet it is peppered with the weight of what we are really doing.  Some times I just say to myself " relax you are just going to do a job and come home"  but the truth of the matter is, we are not. It is not just about this trip.  It is about our life and how we live it. We are part of so much more, at risk of so much more.  We could be tempted to bounce along thinking we have all the answers when we clearly do not.  In our culture we think "stuff" and "me" are all there is, all the while heading to a culture that values "Faith" (used loosely) and "Family" are all there is.  We will be opposite completely.  I am trying not to put expectations on this trip with the exception that My God will show up and tell me what he has been trying to tell me for a while. But I have not been able to hear him over the loud, clingy, self involved life that I live here.  I will go.... and I will wait.... and I will be his hands if he wants me to be.... I will listen.... I will learn.  My only hope is that He spares me from who I am now and creates in me a New Life....